Well, let's try this and see what gets tossed...
"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words.
I want to tell you something about words that I uh,
I think is important. I love..as I say, they're
my work, they're my play, they're my passion.
Words are all we have really.
We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. You
know, [humming]. And, then we assign a word to
a thought, [clicks tongue]. And we're stuck with
that word for that thought. So be careful with
words. I like to think, yeah, the same words
that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you
pick them.
There are some people that aren't into all the
words. There are some people who would have you
not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000
words in the English language, and there are
seven of them that you can't say on television.
What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They
must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous,
to be separated from a group that large. All of
you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what
they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad
word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad
thoughts. Bad Intentions.
And words, you know the seven don't you? Shit,
Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and
Tits, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are
the ones that will infect your soul, curve your
spine and keep the country from winning the war.
Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker,
and Tits, wow. Tits doesn't even belong on the
list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding
word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits,
come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits,
Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes,
I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist
snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese
Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits
Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat
just one. That's true I usually switch off. But
I mean that word does not belong on the list.
Actually, none of the words belong on the list,
but you can understand why some of them are
there. I am not completely insensitive to
people's feelings. You know, I can dig why
some of those words got on the list...like
cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are...those
are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on
there, man. Besides the literal translation and
the emotional feeling. They're just busy words.
There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And
those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they
jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker.
It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that.
And we mentioned shit earlier, of course. Two
of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are
Piss and Cunt, which go together of course.
But forget about that. A little accidental
humor there. Piss and Cunt. The reason Piss
and Cunt are on the list is that a long time
ago certain ladies said 'Those are the two I
am not going to say. I don't mind Fuck and Shit,
but P and C are out. P and C are out.' Which
led to such stupid sentences as 'OK, you
fuckers, I am going to tinkle now.'
And of course the word Fuck. The word Fuck, I
don't really...well, this is some more accidental
humor, but I don't really want to get into that
now. Because I think it takes too long. But I
do mean that. I mean, I think the word fuck is
an important word. It's the beginning of life,
and, yet it's a word we use to hurt one other,
quite often. And uh, people much wiser than I
have said, I'd rather have my son watch a film
with two people making love than two people
trying to kill one other. And I of course agree.
I wish I know who said it first, and I agree
with that. But I would like to take it a step
further. I would like to substitute the word
fuck, for the word kill in all those movie
cliches we grew up with. 'Okay Sheriff, we're
gonna fuck ya now. But we're gonna fuck ya slow.'
So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin'
rap on that word. I hope so.
Uh, there are two-way words, but those are the
seven you can never say on television. Under any
circumstances you just can not say them ever,
ever ever, not even clinically. You can not
weave them in the panel with Doc and Ed and
Johnny, I mean it's just impossible, forget
those seven, they're out.
But, there are some two-way words. There are
double-meaning words. Remember the ones your
giggled at in sixth grade? 'And the cock crowed
three times.''Hey, the cock the cock crowed
three times. It's in the bible.' There are some
Two-way words, like it's okay for Kirk Goudy
to say 'Roberto Clemente has two balls on him.'
But he can't say, 'I think he hurt his balls
on that play Tony, don't you? He's holding them.
He must have hurt them by God.' And the other
two-way word that goes with that one is prick.
It's okay if it happens to your finger. Yes,
you can prick your finger, but don't finger
your prick. No, no."
Seven Dirty Words by George Carlin