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JustMeMike

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Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Toilet Etiquette
« on: September 23, 2001, 12:28:00 PM »
15 EASY STEPS TO CRAP LIKE A MAN  (Author Unknown)

1. Select reading material.

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell your girlfriend or your wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until
pins-and-needles set in to your legs and
buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your  girlfriend or your wife next uses the toilet.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

::::::::::::::::::::

15 EASY STEPS TO CRAP LIKE A WOMAN

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the bowl by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the bowl to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may
still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct
eye-contact is made with any feces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it
several times to positively guarantee that no
residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the bowl. Do not look at the paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your
boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with
disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom,
closing the door firmly behind you.

This is JustMeMike  


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Kanodin

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Re: Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Toilet Etiquette
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2001, 12:57:00 PM »
ah hahahaha love it!                

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Mammeister

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Re: Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Toilet Etiquette
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2001, 07:18:00 PM »
Truly fine literature!

I laughed. I cried. I passed a log.

Then, I finally got around to reading your list.

I left the lid up for ya out of respect, Mr. Mike.


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BillN

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Re: Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Toilet Etiquette
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2001, 08:10:00 PM »
Now wait just a damn minute here!  Let me get this straight.

Women go to the bathroom???!!!


Re: Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Toilet Etiquette
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2001, 02:26:00 AM »
Can't type.....laughing too hard..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marie


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gOOber

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Re: Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Toilet Etiquette
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2001, 10:06:00 AM »
Ya`ll ain`t got no couth. I use corncobs.  
....rejoicing in the fullness thereof....

Re: Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Toilet Etiquette
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2001, 02:35:00 AM »
Hell, son. Corncobs is for wimmen. Just go out of the outhouse and slide yer ass across the grass til ya stop leavin' a streak.