If I was doing it....
Good evening! It's great to be here at the White House Correspondents Dinner. I have to confess I wasn't particularly excited when I first saw the invitation - I thought I was being offered a job on the White House staff....
The WHCD is sort of like a combination of a Friar's Club roast and the Pulitzers. Though I suppose it's more like bastard offspring of the two, where neither one wants to admit they gave consent....
If I come across as a little nervous, it's because I am. All these famous and important people from the worlds of politics and journalism....And Kellyanne Conway, too! And the ICE agents checking papers at the doors aren't helping... (takes out stack of papers some two inches thick) Good thing I brought everything with me.
The President couldn't be here tonight; he's at a campaign rally in Michigan. I'm not sure if he's campaigning for 2020 or 2016.... I don't think even he knows...
A bit of friendly advice for him and his staff while they're in Michigan - don't drink the water.....
Fortunately, his personal mouthpiece is here. Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I have trouble with people who have more than one name. I don't know whether to call her that, or Sara Huckabee, or Sarah Sanders, or Baghdad Bob.... She's over on the Right of the dais. Of course from where I am, she's on my Left. I guess when you have to spin what the President says so often, after a while even you don't know where you stand. Relax, Sarah, you're not at the podium here. No one is expecting you to say anything. Can I get you something? A fifth of scotch? A better job?? We should be nice to her, after all. It can't be easy translating Donald's Tweets into English....
Oh, I see Chris Christie is here tonight. I guess it's too cold to be at the beach....
Okay, okay, that's a little unfair.... We all know that in New Jersey, it's The Shore....