*

TheZookie007

  • L Cup
  • 53281
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #15 on: August 15, 2014, 09:42:11 PM »
I know! And I love it! :D
ACB, BK, CT, NG, SA: FU. FUATH. 100x.

*

gonZo

  • pain in the ass moderator
  • 9740
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #16 on: August 16, 2014, 08:20:45 AM »
My attempts at the Bulwer-Lytton method: bad opening sentences for breast expansion stories...
A Dork And Stormi Knight
Son Of A Dork And Stormi Knight

*

TheZookie007

  • L Cup
  • 53281
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #17 on: August 16, 2014, 06:26:20 PM »
I'm looking forward to a Büsenberry Cooler becoming the drink of choice among American women.
ACB, BK, CT, NG, SA: FU. FUATH. 100x.

*

gonZo

  • pain in the ass moderator
  • 9740
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #18 on: August 16, 2014, 08:26:19 PM »
The Büsenberry or Norwegian tyttebær, a strain of lingonberry (Vaccinium vitis-idaea) commonly found in northern and central Europe.
I made it up.

*

BacE

  • F Cup
  • 1136
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #19 on: August 17, 2014, 05:49:25 PM »
The Büsenberry or Norwegian tyttebær, a strain of lingonberry (Vaccinium vitis-idaea) commonly found in northern and central Europe.
I made it up.

Is it wrong, that he thought of over-fertilizing this plant is turning me on.  ;D
B"B(erry)E(xpansion) archive"acE
Size doesn't matter, as long as it's HUGE!!

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #20 on: August 24, 2015, 07:39:44 PM »
This year's winner:

"Seeing how the victim's body, or what remained of it, was wedged between the grill of the Peterbilt 389 and the bumper of the 2008 Cadillac Escalade EXT, officer "Dirk" Dirksen wondered why reporters always used the phrase "sandwiched" to describe such a scene since there was nothing appetizing about it, but still, he thought, they might have a point because some of this would probably end up on the front of his shirt." — Dr. Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ

http://bulwer-lytton.com/2015win.html

A few other entries of note:

"The night was dark; which is a bit redundant, since night is by definition dark, unless it's a stormy night when lightning causes moments of brilliant light, or except in places like Norway or Alaska where summer nights can be pretty light, but still, most of the time when you say “night,” people are going to think 'dark.' "— Joseph E. Fountain, Fredericksburg, VA

"After weeks at sea, Captain Fetherstonhaugh and his hardy crew had at last crossed the halfway point, and he mused that the closest dry land now lay in the Americas, assuming of course that it was not raining there." — David Laatsch, Baton Rouge, LA

"An evil darkness strode across the forsaken lands of Marmon, casting a shadow like a superhero whose cape’s special power is to turn day into night, that was how the darkness strode (not like the superhero who was otherwise a very nice man)." — Terence Mulholland, Santa Monica, CA
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #21 on: September 14, 2016, 08:50:10 PM »
The 2016 Winners have been announced!

http://bulwer-lytton.com/2016win.html

Some of those cited:

As she reclined, naked, on the chaise longue, Constance's breasts looked like two mounds of creamy coleslaw served up on a fine porcelain plate—but the good kind of coleslaw, not the violent, neon-green stuff you get at KFC.— Lisa Liscoumb, Oshawa, Ontario

It was the worst of times, although I suppose if I were really pressed I could come up with a time in history even worse than the French Revolution, such as the Black Death, to name but one, but on the other hand it has to be said that it was also the best of times, particularly for those of us that were rich and living in England rather than France. — Michael D. Hill, Burton, England

After his seventh shot of Jack Daniels, Billy reflected that only a certain kind of man, a Roman Catholic priest, born under the sign of Gemini, whose loved one had been run down by a bus full of inebriated Lazio supporters on a glorious Sunday morning in early April outside a provincial church whose bells were ringing Bach’s Tocatta and Fugue in B minor, would truly be able to understand the abyss of despair in which he was drowning. — Neil T Godden, Nouméa, New Caledonia
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2017, 06:21:18 PM »
The 2017 Winners!

http://bulwer-lytton.com/2017win.html

Picking a few at random:

The familiar cleaning ritual now complete, Lieutenant (Junior Grade) Christopher P. “Hondo” Holdsworth carefully reassembled his Brűgger & Thomet APR308 7.62x51mm sniper rifle, mounting the matte-black Leupold 8 3.5-25x56mm optic with the splined 5mm Allen wrench that ensured it would stay put and retracting the Harris S-BRM 6-9 Notched Bipod, the way a character in a Tom Clancy novel would. — G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, California

Captain Duke Ellsworth of the Poughkeepsie Police Department wondered, as he stood in the brightly lit room and stared at the gun lying on the floor, if its barrel were still warm, and what his wife was making for dinner that evening, which he would no doubt have to eat cold when he finally finished up here, especially if he paid his mistress in Fishkill a visit on the way home. — Rich Zaleski, Stevenson, Connecticut

A sweaty Hector threw off his shirt, passion burning, skin glistening, his deodorant congealed to little chunks ensnared among the matted jungle of his armpits like so many crumbles of pungent blue cheese over a bed of sprouts, moistened with a dressing of perspiration, and lustily asked, "Are you as hungry as I am?" to the confused busboy. — Tyson Canale, Rochester, Minnesota

Whether I shall emerge from this tale as the hero of my own life, or whether that station be the lot of another, these pages must show, and the path for you, dear reader, will be, as it was for me, long and tortuous, though pages 247-252 will clear up a lot.—John Hardi, Falls Church, Virginia

rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #23 on: September 13, 2018, 10:09:46 PM »
It's that time again.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/latest-winners

Sufficiently numerous airborne water droplets struck various grounded objects at appreciable velocities, illuminated by ambient light from a sub-horizon sun such that fewer photons were absorbed by the retina of our protagonist’s eyes within a given interval of time than the number at which he would struggle to decide whether the amount of light he perceives should be considered “bright” or “dark”; in other words, it was a dark and stormy night. - Shea Charkowsky, Santa Clara, CA

Even in the noisy gloom of the Oyster's Pearl, the most frequented bar in town, Sergeant Pete Harrison spotted her the moment she walked in--the young, tall blonde in a tight red dress that clung to her the way those stringy bits stick to a banana after you peel it. - Sylvi Warshaver-Stein, New York, NY

We start at the end, with a town full of shot freegrazers and rangemen, with me the only survivor of that terrible, bloody day, the worst part being we never had the traditional pre-shootout accusation and insult trade-off mandated by western cowboy law. - Rob Greer, Queen Creek, AZ
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #24 on: September 09, 2019, 07:08:43 PM »
The 2019 results are in!

https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2019

A Dishonorable Mention in the "Dark and Stormy" category:

It was a dark and stormy night; the suburb was devoid of most life and color, and all you could see was the dull gaslights, dark clouds, and deep indigo sky; but to Jade, it was almost the same, because, you know, according to modern studies, dogs can see only blue, yellow, and grey.

Saraswathy Ashok, Trivandrum, India
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2020, 08:36:51 PM »
Here we go again.

https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2020

"You may know my true name,” gloated Archmage-Emperor !Gfńatt’ Bdúnśṽiobfhńr to the foolish traitor who had dared try to end his glorious mage-empire’s reign, “but can you pronounce it?" - Gideon Gordon, Boston MA

"The best job in the world is often debated and Grogslac had thought his new job as head of the volcano virgin sacrifice procurement and delivery committee would be it, as he was expecting potential ‘clients’ to be lining up to prove they weren’t eligible, but he found they took one look at him and started climbing." - Shaun Calvert, UK

"Her breasts heaving like the 50-pound sacks of grain thrown over the shoulders of sweaty dock workers, Karen stepped up to the counter and demanded to see the manager, as only a Karen would." - John W. Engle III, Houston TX
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

MaxBigfoot

  • ZZZ Cup
  • 22287
  • Maximum Manga Maven
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #26 on: August 15, 2020, 01:40:39 PM »
His brain churning like the rinse cycle in a badly-maintained washing machine, MaxBigfoot pondered the inexplicability of how non insane homo sapiens could produce such badly conceived and poorly manifested drivel.

MaxBigfoot


To change Forum settings so that you see 50 topics per page:
Go to Forum Profile
Hover cursor over "Modify Profile" button in top left
Select "Look and Layout"
Scroll to "Topics to display per page", select 50 in dropdown menu
Click on "Change Profile" at bottom right of page.

You can also change "Messages to display per page" to 50 in the same way.

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #27 on: August 18, 2021, 08:24:07 PM »
2021!
https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2021


The one Dishonorable Mention that has relevance to us....in a way.

"As the two beheld each other, Lady Asthenia's bosom swelled with love like two perfectly popped pans of Jiffy Pop while Lord Mycort's heart melted like butter, making their union complete." - Roni Markowitz, Brooklyn NY
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #28 on: August 24, 2022, 07:23:18 PM »
It was a Dark ‘n Stormy night; the rum fell in torrents—except when it was checked by an equal, if not more substantial, measure of ginger beer (for it is in a highball glass that our drink lies), accented with a hit of lime juice from a well-placed wedge, and perhaps a dash of Angostura bitters, though that is at the bartender’s discretion and certainly not required. - Allison Bryski, Durham, NC

The 2022 Bulwer-Lytton Story Contest winners have been announced!
https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2022

Two more of the "winners":

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a work of literature, regardless of how magnificently brilliant, almost on every occasion unvaryingly recasts into insufferably monotonous bullshit when being studied in a ninth-grade English class with a dreary, underpaid teacher and a pack of so-called scholars who would much rather be at their residence, gazing into an illuminated screen. - Palakshi Singh, Duisburg, North-Rhein Westphalen, Germany

These stories, my chi1dren, are about Prince Charming and his three girlfriends: Snow White, S1eeping Beauty, and Cinderella. - Emily Ho, Los Angeles, CA
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: The Bulwer-Lytton Contest
« Reply #29 on: August 23, 2023, 08:17:13 PM »
The 2023 Bulwer-Lytton Contest winners have been announced!
https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2023

A random Dishonorable Mention, in the category of "Historical Fiction":

Sitting on the saloon stool, Cody quickly downed some liquid courage before reading what the thought would be grim news about his brother at the Battle of Shiloh, but the telegram turned out to be from that mysterious company who kept offering to extend his horse warranty. - Douglas Purdy, Roseville, CA
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie