*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1200 on: August 04, 2015, 09:17:07 PM »
Nation Worried That Rest of World Might See Debate

CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—As preparations get under way for the first Republican Presidential debate, on Thursday night, a new poll shows that Americans are deeply concerned that the rest of the world might see it.

According to the poll, there is widespread fear that, if the debate were to be viewed in foreign countries, the cost to the United States’ prestige around the world would be incalculable....
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

TheZookie007

  • L Cup
  • 53281
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1201 on: August 05, 2015, 04:06:49 PM »
True four years ago, still true today.

-- TheZookie "happy belated birthday, Mr. President" 007
ACB, BK, CT, NG, SA: FU. FUATH. 100x.

*

TheZookie007

  • L Cup
  • 53281
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1202 on: August 08, 2015, 02:32:23 AM »
The Borowitz Report: "Psychologists Urge People With Low Self-Esteem to Watch G.O.P. Debate"

MINNESOTA (The Borowitz Report)—Psychologists at the University of Minnesota have issued a research study recommending that people suffering from low self-esteem watch Thursday night’s nationally televised Republican debate.

The recommendation came after the psychologists spent weeks showing research subjects video clips of the debate’s potential participants and observed striking improvements in the subjects’ overall morale and sense of worth.


“We interviewed the volunteers before we exposed them to the Republican candidates and afterward,” said psychologist Davis Logsdon. “The spike in their self-esteem was off the charts.”

Of the candidates who most improved the research subjects’ sense of self, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, Texas Senator Ted Cruz, and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush were found to be consistently helpful, but the most marked increase in self-esteem levels came after the subjects were exposed to Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker.

According to the data, people who viewed Walker for approximately three minutes reported feeling better “right away” about their intelligence, knowledge, and prospects for obtaining high-status employment that they had previously considered well beyond their reach.

“After watching Governor Walker, a substantial number of the subjects literally could not remember why they had ever felt bad about themselves,” Logsdon said.

In addition to recommending that low self-esteem-sufferers watch the debate, Logsdon is advising them to D.V.R. the entire two hours. “You never know when you might need it again,” he said.
ACB, BK, CT, NG, SA: FU. FUATH. 100x.

*

TheZookie007

  • L Cup
  • 53281
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1203 on: August 08, 2015, 02:38:21 AM »
And:

The Borowitz Report: "Walker Emerges as Leading Candidate to Run Enterprise Rent-a-Car Branch"

CLEVELAND (The Borowitz Report)—Based on his performance in Thursday night's debate, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has emerged as a leading candidate to manage an Enterprise Rent-a-Car branch, Enterprise has confirmed.

Tracy Klugian, a human-resources director for the rental-car giant, said that he did not know what to expect before the debate, but after watching Walker in action he felt confident that the Wisconsinite "had what it takes to succeed at Enterprise."

"He didn't get too many moments in the spotlight, but, just from what I saw, I would feel comfortable putting him behind one of our rental counters," he said.

He indicated that the company would be contacting Walker in the days ahead to discuss a possible future with Enterprise.

"Just to be clear, no promises will be made," he said. "Best-case scenario, Scott works hard and becomes the manager of one of our branches. For starters, we'd like to train him to be an assistant manager and see how he does with that."

Enterprise's faith in Walker appears to be echoed by a new poll, which shows that thirty-one per cent of voters believe he is qualified to assistant-manage a rental-car branch.
ACB, BK, CT, NG, SA: FU. FUATH. 100x.

*

gOOber

  • Pic-O-Matic
  • 23717
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1204 on: August 08, 2015, 10:01:14 AM »
 :o
....rejoicing in the fullness thereof....

*

TheZookie007

  • L Cup
  • 53281
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1205 on: August 10, 2015, 07:30:22 AM »
ACB, BK, CT, NG, SA: FU. FUATH. 100x.

*

solvegas

  • ZZZ Cup
  • 56811
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1206 on: August 10, 2015, 09:22:46 AM »
:o


You know, I do remember that episode from The Twilight Zone where Shatner sees the monster outside, no one believes him and the aircraft crashes for unknown reasons. How very appropriate.  ;D

*

Hark

  • A Cup
  • 878
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1207 on: August 10, 2015, 10:40:56 AM »
That shit is MAD FUNNY! I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.
Be known what you fight FOR, not what you fight against.

*

TheZookie007

  • L Cup
  • 53281
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1208 on: August 11, 2015, 04:25:41 AM »
:)
ACB, BK, CT, NG, SA: FU. FUATH. 100x.

*

pedonbio

  • Oh My God Cup
  • 22950
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1209 on: August 11, 2015, 04:48:18 AM »
 8)
Someday, chi1dren, this entire fuck-up will be yours.

*

gOOber

  • Pic-O-Matic
  • 23717
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1210 on: August 14, 2015, 08:11:43 AM »
 :)
....rejoicing in the fullness thereof....

*

Hark

  • A Cup
  • 878
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1211 on: August 14, 2015, 05:33:07 PM »
Note, they're all soulless creatures, too.   ;D
Be known what you fight FOR, not what you fight against.

*

rtpoe

  • Old Fart
  • 12022
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1212 on: August 14, 2015, 09:53:27 PM »
Similarly....

"They are brash, cause pandemonium, they're lovable even as they wreck everything, they make recognizable noises, and they're both immune to attacks from the military." - "If Leading Republican Candidates Were Movie Monsters". Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons, Something Awful
rtpoe

The last fling of winter is over ...  The earth, the soil itself, has a dreaming quality about it.  It is warm now to the touch; it has come alive; it hides secrets that in a moment, in a little while, it will tell.
-  Donald Culross Peattie

*

TheZookie007

  • L Cup
  • 53281
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1213 on: August 14, 2015, 10:16:47 PM »
"Jay Leno couldn't help himself. Just because he's no longer doing monologues as host of The Tonight Show doesn't mean he can resist cracking jokes about Donald Trump.

Meeting with TV critics Thursday to discuss his new CNBC car show, Leno took a detour to lampoon the GOP presidential front-runner.

Noting the battle for that nomination between Jeb Bush and Trump, Leno said, "It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair."

And recalling that a medical problem scored Trump a deferment from military service, Leno offered his own diagnosis: "He had an intrarectal cranial inversion: His head was up his ass."
ACB, BK, CT, NG, SA: FU. FUATH. 100x.

*

gOOber

  • Pic-O-Matic
  • 23717
Re: Funny Politics
« Reply #1214 on: August 15, 2015, 09:16:26 AM »
 :)
....rejoicing in the fullness thereof....