(ugh, I realize after writing this that I'm indulging in a whine-fest. My apologies)
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
It sounds at first like it's mocking the condition - but at times, I feel like it's also remarkably spot-on.
Eh, have gone through it before. I think. At least I was diagnosed with it, but I suspect that was more so the "psychiatrist" could just give me ever increasing doses of drugs. For me, the SSRI/SNRI drugs either had no effect, or turned me into a zombie. And had side-effects. Yeah, nobody warned me about post-SSRI sexual dysfunction ahead of time. That in and of itself is also, unsurprisingly, depressing. Thankfully that has also gone away (though I've read it can last days, weeks, months, or the rest of your life).
I'll probably have a few other things to say about Lexapro, Cymbalta, Effexor, Wellbutrin, and Mirtazapine at some other point.... Most of them, after my experiences of the doctor saying "increase the dose. Increase it again. Increase it again." until I got headaches leave me at a point where if a doctor prescribed them, I'd outright refuse.
Got past the depression, though I don't know if anyone ever fully COMPLETELY shakes off the melancholy.
My birthday is close to Christmas. New Year's is close to Christmas. I've never been one who's been much on holidays, or remembering exactly what falls when.
However, my relationship with my girlfriend has been tumultuous in the past year. It's been up and down and up and down, and, well, I got re-dumped just in time for the birthday/holiday cluster. As in, I was dumped a little before my birthday. And I was then dumped again a little before New Year's. Oh, also in early October, also I think June, and also January of last year. And while we did NOT get back together after the new year this time, it was sort of an ambiguous state of affairs prior to the last breakup (mid-Dec) and the last, very recent conversation.
The weird part is, some of the times that happened, it didn't bother me. This time, despite the fact that she was (as usual), unpleasant, hypocritical, verbally bullying, etc., and most of all, despite the fact that the things she said came close to blatantly showing how much of a double-standard she was holding, it hurt.
A lot. FAR worse than before. It seems completely counterintuitive. I don't know why I feel this way. But we last spoke a few hours ago as of this writing.
People are multi-faceted. She had good sides, and bad sides. For a while her good sides were predominant. Or maybe I was turning a blind-eye or downplaying her bad sides. For the past year, on and off, it's like her bad aspects were beating up her good aspects and taking their lunch money.
She proved that she was not relationship material. A lesson I learned 3-1/2 years too late. She proved that most of what she preached, she didn't come anywhere near practicing. And, yet, somehow, her proving that leaves me feeling far more miserable than when I wasn't sure, more miserable than when she was pushing me in the direction of *believing* that it was mostly my fault.
I'm rambling. I am going to stop. I am running on a lack of **82** and will no doubt make less and less sense as I keep typing...