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mcgarp

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GF has herpes.
« on: May 31, 2013, 11:09:54 AM »
Hello to all that have never heard from me, hello again to the ones that have. 5 years ago I had cancer and a fiance that left me while I was taking chemo and moved to MT. If God is real, he does not have an easy path mapped out for me. It seems like when anything goes good, it's gonna go bad for me. For the last four months I've been dating a girl that seemed wildly perfect for me. I'm a big talker in the online porn/BE world but pretty slow mover in real life. We haven't had sex but have both professed our love for each other. Things got pretty hot and heavy the other night and I suggested sex. She rolled off me and told me that she has had Herpes for 12 years. She lost her virginity by r#PE. She expressed to me that it made her do stupid things, sexually for a while, which I can believe. She's been dealing with it for the last 12 years and claims she knows when flair ups are coming, which from my research seem accurate.
My question is.... Do I stay or do I go? I do love her, and I haven't been this happy with someone for 5 years. Yes, I do love her. But after only 4 months can I say I will be with her forever, of course not. If we fall to peices how can I justify getting herpes and basically send my dating life into oblivion? Seeing as how I love her, I'm leaning towards pretending we are religious and not having sex until we know this is going somewhere. Not saying we must get married, but at least knowing it is something very real. I suppose if she doesn't go along with this idea then she should probably hit the road anyway. It sucks for this situation to be in front of me but, I suppose the ball is in my court. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and of course, PM if you don't feel comfortable with putting it on the forum. Thanks friends!

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Palomine

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2013, 05:32:19 AM »
Based on how you both say that you feel about each other...

You pursue the relationship... to see what develops. But unless you decide for sure (good luck with that) that she's the only woman you'll ever **82** with for the rest of your life, you practice safe sex PERIOD. That doesn't mean not using condoms between flare-ups... it means using condoms ALL the time (I'm assuming you meant that she has genital herpes). It also means you can't go down on her w/o careful and diligent use of a dental dam, despite the fact that it's a PITA and saps much of the joy out of cunnilingus. I know the odds of transmission are reduced between flare-ups but they're NOT zero: you can still get it. As I understand it, all it takes is the transfer of some teeny tiny skin cells from her to you (via skin to skin contact, the exchange of bodily fluids, etc...) and that's it: the virus is in you for life.

I had a great GF who had it and after the same tearful admission and extensive googling, those were the rules we followed and despite the limitations, she was one of the two or three best sexual partners I've ever had in my life. To this day, I've never had so much as a cold sore (let alone signs of any other STD) before or since that relationship. Had we gotten married, I might have decided to give up on those precautions and resign myself to getting it, but I like to think I would have resisted the temptation.

If you think this woman is everything you've been waiting and hoping and looking for, you can cross that bridge (about being less careful) when you come to it. Until then, don't do something you could live to regret by burning that bridge behind you (and then having to be the one to make that tearful admission to all your potential future partners).

Best of luck regardless of what you decide. :) 

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mcgarp

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2013, 09:27:44 AM »
Thanks a lot for the reply Pal, I apprecieate it!

An open and thoughtful post always warrants a similar response IMO... that's what a forum is for. :) -Pal
« Last Edit: June 01, 2013, 05:00:27 PM by Palomine »

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pedonbio

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2013, 08:49:15 AM »
I know that there are a number of virus-supression drugs available now that were not available when I was researching this; it is probably a good idea to spend a few hours on the 'net seeing what is there. Caution is always advisible, but I know a number of people who have been in long-term relationships with an infected person (at least one for 25 years) who have not become infected.
Someday, chi1dren, this entire fuck-up will be yours.

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ROUNDandHEAVY

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2013, 09:09:18 AM »
Full disclosure. Mrs. R had herpes too. She also knew when flare ups were going to happen and also took acyclovir to minimize occurrences. We were to together for 10 years and all i ever got was excellent sex.

Sure there is a minimal risk, but minimal is acceptable especially if you love her.
Call me Bob.

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mcgarp

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2013, 11:23:29 AM »
Thanks **05** and R&D for your replies as well. I'm leaning very much towards staying with her and seeing what happens. I've never encountered something like this so I think I'll see if we can just stay happy for a long while without sex untill I know where things seem to be going. I know I said I love her, and I do, but it's in such an early state of it I know I have to be careful of the lovebird stage. As long as I'm just throwing personal things on the net, I'll also share  the fact that I truely, and honestly have a terrible relationship with condoms. Things can go from instantly ready to dead in a heartbeat with me when condoms come into question. I always think that a woman will think that is a line, but believe me, I'd way rather be having sex with a condom than nothing! It's all mental, but boy, that is a hard subject to get out of your mind. The more you think about it, the worse the problem gets! Clearly I am going to have to figure out a way to get rid of the condom complex now, which of course only puts more pressure on the fact! Nobody said life was easy, and whoever said that saying first was dead on!

Pal replies: nobody likes using condoms... to me, it's practically a sin not to enjoy every iota of sensation... every molecule of body fluid, every delightful bit of friction. But I suppose some guys might dislike it more than others... the libido can be a tricky and unpredictible thing sometimes. Since you'll (presumably) still need to consider birth control even if you eventually decide to have unprotected sex... condoms would be doubly useful. If it might be the reduced sensation or poor fit that makes them such a turn-off for you, you might try a different kind: there are extra-thin ones and some that come in different sizes for a better fit. Maybe that will help. -Pal    
« Last Edit: June 03, 2013, 05:00:56 PM by Palomine »

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SwitcherX

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2013, 05:04:52 AM »
If it might be the reduced sensation or poor fit that makes them such a turn-off for you, you might try a different kind: there are extra-thin ones and some that come in different sizes for a better fit. Maybe that will help. -Pal    

There a lot of condoms out there.  Finding which one works best for you can be a *TON* of fun... ;)
Switcher X
A.K.A. Tina Fey Eichmann

"Thank you herr professor Tina Fey Eichmann, nuclear brain surgeon and moustache jockey."
-- Mammeister


"SwitcherX, you were always Mammeister's favorite...you bastard."
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TheZookie007

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2014, 08:55:50 AM »
Curiosity compels me to request for an update.
"When your city is French in origin, and your Mayor and Governor are Democrats, and those most affected by this natural disaster are Black, don't expect much help from Bush." -- Left of Y'all (and the link works now too! )

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mcgarp

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2015, 11:52:56 AM »
Haven't been on here in a loooong time! Update is, we are married for a year and a half and are expecting our first **09** in the next few weeks. I am happily married and happily Herpes free! Seems all my worrying and complaining on here were for nothing!

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solvegas

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2015, 01:33:22 PM »
Great news ! I wish the best for your k1d. I disagree with your assessment that the complaining was for nothing. After all, you got good advise from Palomine and Bob ( AKA Round and Heavy ) which helped you to go on forward. Godspeed and fair winds to you.  :)

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Offline

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2015, 05:16:00 PM »
Nah, you weren't worrying.  You were concerned on different levels and you used your noggin by doing your own research and talking about it.  More individuals should work through things that way.

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Palomine

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #11 on: October 14, 2015, 04:24:17 PM »
Haven't been on here in a loooong time! Update is, we are married for a year and a half and are expecting our first **09** in the next few weeks. I am happily married and happily Herpes free! Seems all my worrying and complaining on here were for nothing!

Glad to hear things are going well mcgarp. :)

As I'm sure your OBGYN has mentioned, the virus can be transmitted from mother to infant during birth, though the risk is decreased if the mother acquired the virus well before getting pregnant (as in your case). Just thought I'd mention this, that's all. Best of luck! :)

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TheZookie007

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Re: GF has herpes.
« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2015, 04:04:49 AM »
Curiosity compels me to request for an update.

Haven't been on here in a loooong time! Update is, we are married for a year and a half and are expecting our first [sprog] in the next few weeks. I am happily married and happily Herpes free! Seems all my worrying and complaining on here were for nothing!

Now that is the update to beat all updates! Congratulations!
"When your city is French in origin, and your Mayor and Governor are Democrats, and those most affected by this natural disaster are Black, don't expect much help from Bush." -- Left of Y'all (and the link works now too! )