[JustMeMike]

1. The first rule is - read the rest of the rules.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's down, put it up.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Don't make us guess.

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than cats. Period.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

18. Share the bathroom.

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

24. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither your interest nor ours to take any quiz together.

26. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

27. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

28. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

29. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

30. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

32. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, had no one to ask. Neither do we.

This is JustMeMike    

[ August 26, 2001: Message edited by: JustMeMike ]

[steveo]

Thanks this is great and oh so true!

[dev]

Ooh - this one's a keeper

quote:Originally posted by JustMeMike:

2. Learn to work the toilet seat [Period. 'Women can do anything' remember?]

9. Dogs are better than cats. Period.
[Now this is totally uncalled for...]

15. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too [and I am an idiot-to-be]

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Where were these rules when I needed them, JustMeMike!

Oh, the heartache(of past relationships) that could've been spared.

Oh, well, better late than never. Thanks, for posting them.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

JMM, you missed one thing about dogs; the small dogs that just yipe, shake and piss all the time. They fall (IMHO) into the cat category.

[Zorlond]

quote:Originally posted by JustMeMike:
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than cats. Period.

Have to disagree. Dogs, of whatever shape and size, are the stupidest creatures on the face of the planet. I'd rather live with a psycho cat than with any dog.

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Oh, Mike, this is priceless---and so unbeleivably true!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!! You just made my Monday morning!!!!!!!!

Marie  

[BillN]

Hey Mike:

Any thoughts on the "Does this dress make me look fat?" question?  So far I can't find an answer that doesn't start a fight.

Scenerio # 1

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"No"

"So you're saying it's not the dress."

"I didn't say that."

"So what are you saying? Are you saying that  I look fat in anything?  You're saying that I'm fat! WAAAAAAAAA! "

Scenerio # 2

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"Yes."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
(The only advantage to this is that it gets to the point quicker AKA The Game's on.)

Scenerio #3

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"Absolutely not dear.  As a matter of fact any piece of attire that has the great fortune to be placed atop your angelic body should thank it's lucky stars that you gave it the opportunity to be so graced."

".................No, really, does this dress make me look fat?"

And they wonder why they outlive us.

"  

[**DONOTDELETE**]

Hey Bill N.....how about trying this one....

"Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS:

"Nothing could possibly make you look fat, you luscious sex goddess!!!!!!!"

That oughta get you laid...hehehehe

Marie  

[homevintner]

Marie, I like the way you think.  

[**DONOTDELETE**]

For the fat dress question, open your eyes wide and blink a few times in astonishment, and say, "You're worried about looking fat?!" as if it was the most insane thing anyone said. Laugh at her if you want, because it is clearly ridiculous of her and shake your head in disbelief.

If the dress DOES make her look fat (or fatter) don't let her wear it. Say "It's a nice dress, but" and then beg her to wear a different outfit that you like, and help her dress. An ex of mine used this tactic on me... I came down stairs in one outfit, and he promptly led me upstairs and dressed me in a corset and tattered full skirt, and you know, I looked much better. And him dressing me up was TOTALLY sexy, and he got so laid that night.

[sheber]

Ahem. I own neither a cat nor a dog at the moment, but I can safely say that a cat has never saved anyone, from anything, ever.

As a rule, dog's rule (except those yippy, pissy, dust mops)

As for the "Does this make me look fat" line of questioning, refer to Mike's rule #4, #28.
Personally (I've been married 6 years now),
I say "you look fine".

She:"You didn't even look."

Me:"Didn't have to."

End of story.  

[BillN]

Is this a great place orwhat?  Everybody pitching in trying to get me laid.  I think I'm gonna cry.  

[sheber]

33: Men can and do cry,  just don't admit to it.

[Bftfan]

While watching a recent Pontiac commercial of the Grand Prix with the line "Wider is better" my wife (of little humor) thinking she's got me in this war of wit says in a sing-song voice atempting to be funny, "See honey, wider IS better...!" to which replied "Ah.. honey, they're not talking about your ASS.!!!"  I laughed so hard I was cryin'!!  hehehe