This is the absolute funniest review of "Batman v. Superman" that I've read to date:
"Batman v Superman" Is a Failure on Every Single Level
Ben Dreyfuss, Mother Jones.com
"Superman, too, is no fan of Batman because Batman likes to brand his collars with a bat iron so that they get killed in prison (this is a real plot point) and Superman thinks this is unbecoming of a gentleman. Or a gentlesuperhero. Or something. Also Superman knows Batman's identity. Also no one calls him Batman. They call him the Bat of Gotham (nonetheless, the movie is called
Batman v Superman, not the
Bat of Gotham v Superman), which suggests the movie title takes place in a universe that is separate from the movie itself.
"In this film, Gotham and Metropolis are comparable to Minneapolis and St. Paul. Earth's greatest heroes live in Minneapolis and St. Paul and spend all their time going back and forth between the two.
"It's as if Zack Snyder has crippling ADD and when he takes Ritalin he helplessly focuses on the most annoying thing possible. The Luthor of
Batman v Superman makes people with two legs want to run out the door. It makes people with one leg want to hop out the door. It makes people with no legs want to crawl out the door.
"Nothing makes any sense! We all understand that plots in these movies don't make sense. Of course they don't. That's standard. But in this movie nothing makes sense
on a scene level. In a lot of movies that make no sense on a plot level, the person will say, "I am going to rob this fruit store," and you can quibble about why a person would rob a fruit store, but the characters in the movie accept it and go about robbing the fruit store and we go along with it. They have conviction and authenticity and they really try to rob that fruit store good, even if we in the audience think they are being ridiculous for robbing a fruit store, because when it really works, it doesn't matter. In
Batman v Superman the characters say, "I am going to rob this fruit store," and then go into the fruit store, throw fruit in the air, paint the walls with fruit, pay for the fruit, use the fruit as puppets in improv comedy, have a dance party with the fruit, build a home in the fruit store, burn the fruit store down, exit the smoldering husk of the fruit store and announce, "I robbed the vegetable store."
"The best thing about this film is the ending. And not the substance of the ending, which makes no sense; it's the existence of the ending because it means I am no longer stuck in that theater watching this awful movie. And yet even this is a letdown! The ending carries the explicit threat that this saga will never be over. Warner Brothers has gone all in on this version of the DC characters for their own comic universe. Next will be
Suicide Squad and then
Wonder Woman and then
Justice League. These movies will apparently all be terrible, but we'll see them anyway because that's life.
In a more poignant then comedic review:
"On the way out of “Batman v. Superman: No Idea Why They’re Fighting,” I saw a boy, probably 9 or 10 years old, walking with his mother. Like everyone else in the theater after the initial shock had faded, he had this baffled look on his face. Finally, as he approached the door, he turned to his mother and said, “So, wait, like, nobody won?”
"...they miss the part that has always made Superman so compelling to many of us: He’s good. That’s his real superpower. He does not have delusions of grandeur, does not long for revenge, does not feel underappreciated. He’s Superman. He’s utterly incorruptible, thoroughly kind, intensely decent. Those seemingly silly gags of Superman coming down and saving a cat from a tree are important because that’s Superman — his singular purpose is to help people. He will use his Superpowers to save a cat so that a little boy or girl will be happy. That goodness is wired into his kryptonian DNA. The world’s problems, every one of them, are his problems.
"Superman v." - Joe Posnanski
http://joeposnanski.com/superman-v/