[rtpoe]

Can the latest Transformers movie be worse than the previous ones?

"Transformers fans (rumor has it they exist) will probably enjoy themselves – the production has the “feel” of something made for True Believers. Everyone else will have a better time at the dentist’s getting a tooth extracted without anesthesia. Distilled to its essence, The Last Knight is an orgy of incoherence, a sensory assault that suffocates the viewer in a cavalcade of special effects incontinence." - James Berardinelli, Reel Reviews

"In between, there’s a bit of mythology, some running and screaming, a ton of slo-mo, a dash of racism, a great actor wasted in a character who could have been named “Exposition Dump,” and so much incoherent noise that you’ll want to bang your head on the seat in front of you just to get some rest." - Brian Tallerico, RogerEbert.com

"But this nadir of filmdom inspired me to invent new words to describe its awfulness. How about “ridicuturg,” as a combination of “ridiculous” and “turgid.” Or maybe “ludicring,” as a combo of “ludicrous” and “boring.” Such wordplay helped me while away the last 20 minutes of The Last Knight, when it seemed that everyone was suspended in space screaming at each other and throwing stuff. It was either that, or having my brain explode." - Peter Howell, Toronto Star

"Imagine being flung into a giant clothes dryer. Only instead of clothes, it’s loaded with giant fighting robots. Round and round they go. Klank, klank, klank. Or rather: KLANK!KLANK!KLANK!" - Soren Anderson, Seattle Times

"because this after all is a Transformers movie, so soon we’re faced with fiiigjhkwetwnwwwjsahafajhwfohofoehaoowofoeoicioeciaqidjFaerlaeaffjgjljeXGRSXSsfdsmfjjjsomuchrandomstuffsomuchegjwogpjwdbldklhjitslikeyouthoughttheearliermovieswereeconfusinghahahahmfjff7ga98fhfhfplwxczchowarekidssupposedtounderstandanyofthisVSSHgmnskglactuallyhowareadultssupposedtounderstandanyofthisjskjjlvrlmnkrjsljrjsaywhatyouwillbutonceuponatimejsogrjdvpvarivpaeimpgrfggjsfsfpoemichaelbaycouldbringbeautytoanactionsceneeeevgrhcggoiwxgamanicpoetryfilledwithkineticgraceandheroismgjvbbpmnfwdwdwkpad3dkkalikewhateverhappenedtoTHATguydzxwqsszmtheguywhomadetherockandbadboys2andeventhefirsttransformerswznshmnffrqerqrqpainandgaintoothatwasprettygoodhahqqxjpq3Oirgaraaemhjsxsmvermavrbutnowhesbecomeaselfparodykljekwjkjjjejhargrmfagafafmmfhkjasxxandthecrazythingisheknowsitjcejjdagmfflrlrl3jq3aefrabutdoesntseemtoknowhowtoescapeitzklWSCMC" [sic] -  Bilge Ebiri, Village Voice

An actual page from Bilge Ebiri's notes:

[solvegas]

Can the latest Transformers movie be worse than the previous ones?

"Transformers fans (rumor has it they exist) will probably enjoy themselves – the production has the “feel” of something made for True Believers. Everyone else will have a better time at the dentist’s getting a tooth extracted without anesthesia. Distilled to its essence, The Last Knight is an orgy of incoherence, a sensory assault that suffocates the viewer in a cavalcade of special effects incontinence." - James Berardinelli, Reel Reviews

"In between, there’s a bit of mythology, some running and screaming, a ton of slo-mo, a dash of racism, a great actor wasted in a character who could have been named “Exposition Dump,” and so much incoherent noise that you’ll want to bang your head on the seat in front of you just to get some rest." - Brian Tallerico, RogerEbert.com

"But this nadir of filmdom inspired me to invent new words to describe its awfulness. How about “ridicuturg,” as a combination of “ridiculous” and “turgid.” Or maybe “ludicring,” as a combo of “ludicrous” and “boring.” Such wordplay helped me while away the last 20 minutes of The Last Knight, when it seemed that everyone was suspended in space screaming at each other and throwing stuff. It was either that, or having my brain explode." - Peter Howell, Toronto Star

"Imagine being flung into a giant clothes dryer. Only instead of clothes, it’s loaded with giant fighting robots. Round and round they go. Klank, klank, klank. Or rather: KLANK!KLANK!KLANK!" - Soren Anderson, Seattle Times

"because this after all is a Transformers movie, so soon we’re faced with fiiigjhkwetwnwwwjsahafajhwfohofoehaoowofoeoicioeciaqidjFaerlaeaffjgjljeXGRSXSsfdsmfjjjsomuchrandomstuffsomuchegjwogpjwdbldklhjitslikeyouthoughttheearliermovieswereeconfusinghahahahmfjff7ga98fhfhfplwxczchowarekidssupposedtounderstandanyofthisVSSHgmnskglactuallyhowareadultssupposedtounderstandanyofthisjskjjlvrlmnkrjsljrjsaywhatyouwillbutonceuponatimejsogrjdvpvarivpaeimpgrfggjsfsfpoemichaelbaycouldbringbeautytoanactionsceneeeevgrhcggoiwxgamanicpoetryfilledwithkineticgraceandheroismgjvbbpmnfwdwdwkpad3dkkalikewhateverhappenedtoTHATguydzxwqsszmtheguywhomadetherockandbadboys2andeventhefirsttransformerswznshmnffrqerqrqpainandgaintoothatwasprettygoodhahqqxjpq3Oirgaraaemhjsxsmvermavrbutnowhesbecomeaselfparodykljekwjkjjjejhargrmfagafafmmfhkjasxxandthecrazythingisheknowsitjcejjdagmfflrlrl3jq3aefrabutdoesntseemtoknowhowtoescapeitzklWSCMC" [sic] -  Bilge Ebiri, Village Voice

An actual page from Bilge Ebiri's notes:

Which is why it will make a shit load of money ! 

[rtpoe]

From what I've read, you really are better of seeing it stoned:

CATS!

All nine of my lives passed away while I was in the theatre watching Cats. If you were worried that Tom Hooper’s musical adaptation wouldn’t live up to the wild uncanny valley promise of the trailer, rest assured, it does. These are live-action cats with the poorly VFX’d faces of celebr1t1es who only sometimes act like cats, and the resulting effect is not what God intended for this world. - Chandler Levack, The Globe and Mail

CATS!!

In the autumn of 2015, I adopted two lovely stray cats while living in Berlin. After I took them to the vet to be neutered, they returned with upset stomachs due to the anaesthetic used. I left them alone for a few hours while I went to the supermarket – when I came back, in either a random tragedy or a deliberate act of feline revenge, one of them had managed to direct his explosive diarrhoea all over the bottom shelf of my bookcase.

Naively I assumed this was the most abhorrent cat-related incident I would ever bear witness to. I suppose, in some twisted way, I should be impressed Tom Hooper has managed to best this horrifying visual experience with his all-singing, all-dancing abomination. - Hannah Woodhead, Little White Lies

CATS!!!

Sometimes, you watch a movie just feeling your brow furrow. If I look older this week, you can thank “Cats” the movie, which I watched in what can only be described as shell-shocked puzzlement, as questions rose up around me. Why do all the cats stand like they’re in a Bob Fosse show? Why is the scale of things so weirdly inconsistent — in the same scene, one cat successfully wears human shoes while another wears a human ring as a bracelet? Why is one cat, and only one, wearing pants? What is Idris Elba doing here? And am I understanding the plot correctly: These cats are all vying to go to the Heavyside Layer, which basically means that the winner, um, dies? - Moira Macdonald, Seattle Times

CATS!!!!!

I truly believe our divided nation can be healed and brought together as one by “Cats” — the musical, the movie, the disaster. In other news, my eyes are burning. Oh God, my eyes. - Ty Burr, Boston Globe



And, coincidentally from the same studio and also featuring talking animals:

DOOLITTLE

Dolittle is not a film. Dolittle is a crime scene in need of forensic analysis. Something happened here. Something terrible. Something inexplicable. Watching the film doesn't tell the whole story, because it doesn't behave like the usual errant vision, which might be chalked up to a poor conceit or some hiccups in execution. This one has been stabbed multiple times, and only a thorough behind-the-scenes examination could sort out whose fingerprints are on what hilt. - Scott Tobias, NPR


The low point comes when the doctor pulls a bagpipe out of a dragon’s ass. Cue more prodigious farting. It’s typical of the film’s tone-deaf sound design that a tiny dragonfly (Jason Mantzoukas) and a hulking dragon (Frances de la Tour) talk at the same volume level. What’s amazing is that Gaghan didn’t drag in the cast of Cats to complete his misbegotten animal kingdom. Both of these movies have one thing in common: They should never have been made. -  Peter Travers, Rolling Stone


“Dolittle,” starring Robert Downey Jr., arrives just weeks after the advent of “Cats,” another Universal Pictures release likewise stuffed with computer generated animals. “Dolittle” is a more harmless and whimsical family entertainment, less likely to provoke nightmares than the digitally furred felines of Tom Hooper’s Andrew Lloyd Webber adaptation. But, just the same, the two films together could be the worst setback for animalia since global warming, or at least “Howard the Duck.” - Jake Coyle, Associated Press


Everyone knows that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. Less well known is the adage: “You can’t publish a movie review that is entirely blank.”

When it comes to “Dolittle,” that’s too bad.... - Kristen Page-Kirby, Washington Post