This story was submitted to a 1999 Louisville, KY Sentinel contest
to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.] for those of you who need smoe HOLIDAY cheer! this is so funny I coudn't resist sharing! ENJOY
Christmas with Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowing,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his
dream
come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
doll.
They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore
downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll
only
confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're
kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable
doll
section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during
rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for
"Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise
a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the
help
of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on
the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa
had
come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs
and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass
of
milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional
Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
the door.
"What the is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?"
Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
said,
trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but
why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of
the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a
delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey,
who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet
his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,
and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
Grandpa still calls on her whenever he can get out of the house.
