This is to whatever diety I pissed off.
I DIDN'T DO IT!
I swear that I did not do whatever you *think* I did to have earned the karma you have visited upon this oh-so-humble soul.
Seriously, I need to do a past life regession to find out which Supervillain lair I worked at stabbing kittens or making goat porn or something. My karma is that bad.
This. Is. A. TMI. Post.
You have been WARNED.
Turn away...now.
If you're still reading this you totally deserve the "ewww, dude that's fuckin' gross!" that's coming.
You can't blame me after this point:
I had to get my scrotum fondled by 3 different women a few weeks ago. One was a doctor, one was a doctor's student, and one was an ultrasound technician. It was not.... hawt, but 2 of them *were*. Normally this would not be cause to bitch...
As a nice reminder that I was nailed in the crotch at 19 by an exploding truck seat (not even kidding) a remnant has popped up 16 years later and something that should be a lil' beer lime was swollen to the size of something resembling a grapefruit. My doctor had a simple proclamation parroting the words of Dr. Gumby from Monty Python "It'll have to come out!"
Yep, the doctor informed me that the damage had resulted in a "complicated" hydrocele, and I would forever more likely be mono instead of stereo. Now, if they had to cut em both off I think I'd start growing boobs and liking man-ass or something.
They warned me I'd be stuck in bed for at least a solid week, and they warned me that "Oh, it'll be the most miserable week of your life, it will feel like you are sitting on a bed of nut-stomp". Well, I paraphrase but that was the jist of it. I've had some weird shit done to me this year, from having mini pliers up my kidney from the only external exit with "access", been "scoped" on both ends till the little cameras met in the middle and web-cammed live from my chitlins, had about 19 radiology studies, and then...
I had my testicle made into a lightbulb.
They turned off the light and the lady stuck a little flashlight under it, and *shoved*. It was the Opposite Of Fun. But the weird thing is, because it was mostly fluid, it lit up like some freaking alien egg or something. It fucking looked like a facehugger was gonna hatch from it and attack the doctor.
I just wanted it to stop hurting, I'm getting a little tired of this whole "pain" thing that I've been visited with the last year and a half.
On the upside, I thought, if they *do* have to remove it I wondered what I could get for it on ebay...
I won't go into too many details of the surgery I had the friday before last except to say that I've been buying lots of frozen peas and downing lots of legally prescribed percocet. Nothing life-threatening or serious, just incredibly inconvenient for the next few weeks, and for once the doctors were right. Yes, I have been living in the Kingdom of Stomponmynutswithsteeltoedboots. I have a seriously nasty surgical scar that looks like an alligator smiling, and if you are someone who does not want to read Scary Stories of the ER stop reading now.
W. T. F!
Last thing I remember before going under general aneshthesia was nurse Brigette:
"No heart trouble?"
"Well actually I have damaged but healing valves from a lung infection. I'm actually coming along quite nicely and want to start lifting again in a month or two, and then get back into Kung Fu."
"Oh, then we'd better give you antibiotics."
"Sounds good to me, just not Penicillin, I'm allergic to it."
"Oh! We'd better make *sure* not to give you that then! We'll give you mycins instead!"
"Yes, let's do that. You seem experienced, would you believe that the last time I went to a hospital the idiot nurse tried giving me Toradol less than a minute after I told her I was *fatally* allergic to it and even with the fluorescent 80s orange bracelet on my arm saying I was fatally allergic to it? Thank God I stopped her just before she stuck the needle in my IV, huh?"
"Oh she doesn't sound very professional at all. We won't do that to you here, haha."
...
So after I wake up, get home, and pass out twice on the bathroom floor a couple of hours after I take the antibiotics they sent me home with... one second I was looking at the pretty colors coming out of me and the next second (which was actually 40 minutes later)I was opening my eyes sideways on the tile floor and thanking God I didn't mash my skull on the porcelain goddess.
Do I even need to say why at this point? C'mon... you can guess it can't you?
Yeah, I should have read the bottle but I made the moronic assumption that people do their JOBS, and between the narcotics and the anesthesia my brain not worky so good.
It'll take more than this to kill me, but damned if it doesn't feel like these health care "professionals" are doing their damnedest to find out what will. As it stands I just got past the infection, the incision FINALLY closed, and I can start wearing something other than a jock strap...maybe those Aquaman underoos I've been eyeballin.
Well, at least a had a couple of hours to draw... oh wait, that's right, that's the other downside - I couldn't draw anything.. "interesting" or I'd be risking a Really unpleasant surgical complication so I ended up NOT drawing. Sorry bout that folks, I had hoped to have something new to show off besides this moderately amusing diatribe on the misery that is my karma.
So I visit my doc to ask when the pain is supposed to ... well be more of a gentle tap as opposed to the violent heel stomping of my chode. Surprisingly, the guy was straight with me:
"We had a little accident, we cut too deep and sliced directly into the body of the testicle instead of just the surrounding tissue."
I am, at this point, actually getting used to this.
But heroically, he managed to save most of it, so instead of uni-nut, I'm more like 1 and a half - so this should lower my testosterone from "Troll" to "Human", but I swear if anyone sees me shopping for aromatic shower gels and renting Kate Hudson movies, *kill* me, got it?
Otherwise, I'm good, you?
Johnny "despite the best efforts of the universe, still moderately alive" Swell