Wizard or Hipster?1. “I’m always returning from or talking about going on this great adventure to some far-off place. I never have a job. God knows where the money’s coming from.”
2. “I’m really into these weird hats and—it goes unspoken—really into you noticing my weird hats, too.”
3. “Ditto, beards.”
4. “I’m the guy who’s always going on about some long-forgotten book few people have ever read or even heard of. I will always claim this book was the most powerful of its age—and I’ll spell out the contents and a history of the author in real time if you give me half a chance. Anyone who listens to me will think, Sure, it’s possible, but c’mon: a powerful book that can change the world and everybody just forgot about it?”
5. “There are schools notorious for producing my sort, year after year. They’re really a fun time, too, but then I graduate and realize that nothing about those four years will result in a paying job.”
6. “Typically, my kind is in fine shape, which is odd because most people have this image of us always laying about and smoking out of these long pipes in our downtime (of which there seems to be quite a lot).”
7. “I’m highly opinionated, prone to speechifying—and most people get the sense that I don’t bathe as often as the average person. Also, I have a reputation for being incredibly funny, yet no one can ever remember anything particularly funny I’ve ever said.”
8. “I’ve got, like, the one outfit and that’s it.”
9. “Politically, I’m always talking about some great threat to the land. Yet despite all my many ‘talents,’ I’m powerless to do anything more than let some guy with no magic powers and just the two hands do all the heavy lifting.”
10. “First I’m this one thing, then I decide to change into something else, then another thing; finally, I decide to change back to the first thing. It’s ridiculous, really. You’ll be talking with me and all of sudden I’ll be like, ‘Oh, did I tell you? I’m this new thing now.’ And you’ll just be standing there thinking, Pick something and stick with it, for God’s sake. Or, I know: How about turning yourself into something that pays for all the food and drink he consumes whenever he comes over?”
11. “A number of us consider ourselves of divine origin, which is no surprise, since many of us don’t have siblings.”
12. “I am all-knowing.”
13. “Don’t get me started on [antagonist]. I hate [antagonist]. I don’t even like hearing his name spoken out loud. I think that guy represents everything wrong in the world today, because even though he’s exactly like me, he has perverted what I do (whatever that is). In other words, [antagonist] has had some success in life—i.e., a lot more than I have—and that kind of success kills me. Just kills me.”