"So I get her home from the bar, I'm out in the hallway fumbling with my keys because I'm so nervous and anxious about getting her into my apartment, and she lets her coat fall open, and I see that she has a strange black dress on, a lot off up on top and yet the shoulders are covered and there's this big V-shaped strap hanging around her neck, but below that those magnificent breasts were nearly bursting right out. She was breathing even deeper and harder than before, and yet still keeping it very soft, very controlled, and for not the first time that evening I realized, Now this is a sex freak. But for God's sake, she looks like Aria Giovanni, I'm going to argue!? So she's looking up at me in the hallway, with these flat dead laser-like eyes, these weird sleepy and yet sexy eyes, they remind me of Clare Higgins in 'Hellraiser,' I don't know if you would ever get to see that, well, anyway, she's standing there and then wham! Before I know it, she bites my neck! And she bites it good and hard too, so I'm thinking, Fuck, this chick has some kind of vampire mania. So I'm having my first real doubts about the evening, and I ask her, trying in vain to act like I have any real say in calling this off, I ask her, 'Hey, what the fuck was that for!?' But she just gazes up at me with those Clare Higgins eyes and she just says 'Sssssperrrrrmmmmm.' I'm serious, she says it just like that: 'Sssssperrrrrmmmmm.' And I have to admit, as a line from some really psycho bitch goes -- it works! I mean, I felt like I was being stalked, like I was prey, I was just this animal getting selected, and for that ultimate proof of masculinity, that ultimate essence, my seed for her eggs. And it felt good. I mean, you hear the term 'stud' all the time, but to literally be that, some prized breeding animal -- well, that was one hot mindfuck, and I find my key and get us in.
"So we're inside, and usually I offer to make drinks, something like that, but I excuse myself and head for the bathroom and check my neck, and believe it or not it all looks perfectly normal, no fang punctures or anything like that, she just chewed a little too hard with the good old incisors and drew a little blood. So I treat it and bandage it and I relax a little, and I come back out to check on her, but all she can do is point and say 'So that's your bedroom!' So I say 'Yes' and she says 'I'm ovulating right now. I took one look at you across the bar and I felt my body pumping out lots and lots of eggs for lots and lots of your sperm.' So I try to play for laughs and and I say 'Yes, luckily I always wear condoms,' but she says 'Not tonight. Pump all your sperm into me tonight, I need it!' And I'm really straining to be reasonable here, so I say 'I don't know if I'm ready, look, shouldn't a ch1ld have a father?' But she just echoes 'A father?' and then she cackles like a madwoman, I swear to God, it's as if the word 'father' is the flat-out funniest word in the universe, but then she says 'You won't have to worry about a thing. You are a prime specimen. I just want your offspring.' Then she gets up on tiptoes and kisses me, and I let my hands go all over her dress -- and then I feel her ass. I mean, I sometimes like a big ass, something to put a J-Lo or a Kardashian to shame, but this was really protruding, and it was shaped funny, not like two buttocks but more like some big hard helmet down there, like a kind of bustle, you know, like women wore a hundred years ago. But still, it's one hell of an ass and I'm wondering, Now where did that come from!? Then she lets go and heads directly for the bedroom and purrs 'I'll be waiting!' and she waggles that huge ripe ass at me and then she's gone.
"So I know this is all wrong -- I mean, do I really want to contribute to the replication of the DNA of a woman whose brain is so obviously on the fritz? -- but I can't seem to help myself, my heart is pounding real hard and I feel hot and anxious all over, I mean, it's a lot, lot more than just being horny, and that's when I realize, My God, the bite! What did she infect me with!? And I'm feeling this big dull ache in my crotch, it's kind of scary, I actually wonder if I'm gushing blood down there, it's all so warm down there, so I check myself out, and I'm pretty normal -- but my balls are huge! I suddenly have this giant scrotum. And I tried to inspect my testicles, they're as big as fucking grapefruit, and there's a slight squishiness to them, like they're these two sacks of hamburger. I touch them and I actually feel them squirming and convulsing, they're churning away, really industrious little fuckers, and that's when I figure, They're making sperm! And I heft one a little, just a little, and sperm must be backed all the way up my urethra, because I just heft that testicle and suddenly all this semen is spilling right out of me, and it's the weirdest semen, it's like a really thick and slightly sticky marshmallow sauce, and I heft it some more and even more of this semen comes plopping out.
"So now I'm not thinking very clearly at all, and I'm thinking, This will be vengeance. She wants her sperm, she bites me and does this to me -- all right, let her have it, she's got it coming!
"So I go into the bedroom -- and I swear to God, I was so far gone, I was so sex-mad, the very first thing I thought was, Wow, that's a lot of eggs! That ass of hers had really grown, and it was now this giant glistening black sack, and I swear to God, somewhere deep down in my brain, something more ancient than my own humanity, something said, Yeah, the ultimate vagina, the ultimate ovaries, yeah, that's what I'm talking about, do it, go for it, PUMP that ass! But ... there's a problem. And I mean ... the ultimate problem. Those legs of hers, those fabulous legs, they're just GONE -- and from about the waist down, she isn't fucking HUMAN anymore. And I'm not saying she was a mermaid or anything, I mean, hell, I might have ACCEPTED a mermaid. No, from the waist down, she was this ... absolutely gigantic black widow spider! The body was hovering over my bed, and all of her legs were staked out around my bed. It was crazy, it was if I was actually supposed to value my bed so highly that I would figure, Hey, gotta acquiesce here. But she was a FUCKING GIANT BLACK WIDOW SPIDER! And she looked at me, and I could see she still had her human vulva and bush and everything, and all over again, just like at the door, she said 'Sssssperrrrrmmmmm.'
"The craziest thoughts went through my mind. I even thought of that old movie, 'The Incredible Shrinking Man,' and how I once heard some woman laugh over it, how Grant Williams had to defend himself from a black widow with a needle, how vaginal the spider was and how phallic the needle was and how this reflected his feeling emasculated by his shrinking so much, and I remembered her laughing and my thinking 'Hey, bitch, YOU face down a giant black widow spider someday!' So I remember that, and also thinking 'Where's a giant needle when you really need one!?' But then somehow I got sane again -- and I just ran the fuck away, I ran and ran, Usain Bolt had nothing on me, I ran and ran and ran --
" -- and I woke up and I was gasping for breath and I was sweating like a motherfucker. And that was the dream. So ... Dr. Bronfenbrenner, already, tell me ... what does it mean?"
"What does it mean? You had to come see me to ask me what that means? What do you THINK it means? It means you obviously have ISSUES with this woman! I swear, you young men are getting dumber all the time ... !"
V to Kit: yeah, I can't really bring myself to go TOO dark, I figured one split second of him thinking "You know, this might actually work out" was as far as I cared to go.
