Ya know mateys, I think I's been cursed most o' me pirating life. I meets this witch doctor somewhere in the Caribbean and he says he puts some kinda mumbojumo curse on me. Course I didn'ts believe that old rusted sandcrab at the time, but from then on me entire pirate career, whenever I's try to find new crew members, I always seem to find the most ridiculously fine lasses.
Now, I knows what your sayin': "Cap'n, hows that a curse? Have ye lost yer mind ta scurvy?". Well lemme explain. Ya see...aboard a ship, me crew have certain responsibilities ta fullfill. It's awfully frustratin' when I need someone to swab the deck, and half me' crew can't even see the mop below em' whilst' they're doin' so! Then when we find ourselves in a mean storm, we're gettin' crew thrown over board left n' right. I tries to explain to em' that their center of gravity be higher then most, and they should keep away from ta side railin', but do they listn? Nooo, o' course not, what does the cap'n know? He don't have none o' his own. And not to mention all the lads in me crew barely have enough blood in their brains to function most o' the time...(Well...cept' Shifty Steve...but Steve always eyes me funny when I call em into me quarters to talk...)
Anyways mateys, I thought I'd introduce ya to another member o' me crew. Ya see, in contrast to popular believe, most o' us pirates are entitled to some nifty health benefits. I fer example have a professional massage therapist on me ship. But a lil' warnin' mateys...she may look all...invitin', but when she asks, don't let her try any o' the "exotic upright laying techniques" she picked up in the Philippines. Last time she tried that, she nearly suffocated me quartermaster to death.
